Please forgive the lateness of my post. I needed some time and distance from the finale of American Horror Story 13. Otherwise, my review would have just been the sentence ‘Fuck Ryan Murphy in his fucking face,’ over and over again.
The final episode of American Horror Story 13 aired on October 29th. It starts with a group of thirteen men gathered at Mr. Nas’s apartment. Mr. Phibes collected them for a final sacrifice to push Mr. Nas past the 100-year mark.
But just before they reach that crucial moment, the young Mr. Nas appears to put a stop to the whole affair. He lets one of the young men go free, kills his older self, and beheads Mr. Phibes.
Then, he goes to Hell to save Cordelia and bring her back from the dead. He tells her that he’s gotten bored with the whole thing. It’s far more fun to torment people, he’s decided. So, since Cordelia is his granddaughter, he gives her his New York apartment and a kiss on the forehead. Then, because he’s apparently on a wild tear, he shows up to give Ben and Madison a baby.
Cordelia doesn’t think this is a good enough ending. For some reason, she moves her coven into the apartment that Satan gave her. Then she and Mallory devise a way to finally trap Mr. Nas away forever. The plan, of course, requires someone to make the ultimate sacrifice.
If you couldn’t tell by my ‘fuck Ryan Murphy’ comment, I wasn’t pleased with this finale. I honestly can’t say anything good about this episode. Like, nothing at all.
To start with, I am furious that the inclusion of the other seasons didn’t actually pay off. We saw Twisty the Clown in one episode, where he brutally murdered thirteen clowns. That had no bearing on the rest of the season at all, and could have been plucked right out.
Then, there was the five-minute scene with PigMan from Roanoke. This scene meant less than nothing. It didn’t happen during a Blood Moon. It didn’t happen at the Roanoke house. It was just tossed in so that there was something Roanoke-related in the season. And of course, Elsa Mars showed up for an episode to sing a lovely song, then do nothing at all.
This season promised that it would incorporate all twelve seasons. Not mention all of them. Not have quick cameos that don’t make sense and don’t go anywhere. This just felt like a cheap gimmick. I feel cheated.
More than that, though, I was struck dumb by how pointless all of this season felt. Every damned thing was pointless.
Mr. Nas had a 100-year-long plan. He decided at the last moment he didn’t care. He just walked away.
Mallory and Cordelia put a ton of effort into figuring out a spell to trap Mr. Nas. Which is weird, because he isn’t a threat anymore. If anything, he walked around and gave everyone gifts like freaking Santa Claus. But still, Mallory’s got to go back in time to learn a spell from Sarah Goode.
Just, why?
Overall, this last episode felt cheap, poorly thought out, and rushed. It didn’t make any damned sense. And the worst of it is that this season could have been terrific! I could think of a thousand ways the season could have been a work of art. I bet if you go on Wattpad, you’ll find fanfic of AHS that’s infinitely better than this was. Maybe that’s what Murphy should do for the next season. Though after the last two seasons, this next one had better be something special to win back my fandom. Or, if the writers have any good sense, go back to basics. Write a simple horror story well, focus on the eerie details, and go balls to wall with the gore. That’s what made American Horror Story great.
Want to watch a better show? Check out my review of Carrie.
My book, Station 86 Volume One, is available now on Amazon! It’s got two dark sci-fi stories about murder and mayhem on the station of First Contact.
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